Single parents create happy new homes after divorce

Single parents create happy new homes after divorce
By H.M. CAULEY Atlanta Journal-Constitution Published on: 05/29/08

With the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, it's no surprise that many of Stephanie Andrews' design clients find themselves starting over again. Unlike the recent grad who's just rented a new apartment or newlyweds moving into a starter home, the newly single often come with bits and pieces of their past to sort through, as well as a passion to put their own imprint on their surroundings quickly.

"There's so much psychology that goes into designing a home," said Andrews, owner of the Candler Park-based Balance Design. "Newly single people want to explore who they are and put that in their house. It's a chance for them to show their own personal style."There's also something liberating about putting together a home without anyone else's approval. "They have full control and there's no need for compromise, which is very freeing for them," said Andrews. "They can have fun. About the only compromise they may have to make ends up being the cost." For divorced parents, there's the additional desire to make a house a home very quickly for the children. And there are considerations such as where the family will spend time together. Where will the kids do their homework?

Here's a peek inside three Atlanta residences where single parents have put their own style on a new space.Getting more for less in DoravilleGraphic designer Gabrielle LeBlanc's post-divorce budget made finding a new home in her 8-year-old's school district a challenge. But after 18 months in a Dunwoody apartment, she uncovered a 1960s brick ranch in Doraville that needed a bit of TLC."I knew I could make it work," she said. LeBlanc ripped out carpeting and refinished the wood floors. She painted the trim and ceilings; installed new light fixtures; and added her own small details, such as replacing the wall switch covers. Her thriftiness extended to the furnishings. An inexpensive, three-tiered chandelier she found at IKEA got an upgrade when she added rows of crystals. A friend donated her kids' old crayon-covered art table that LeBlanc refinished to show off the wood. Instead of payment for a job, she traded her work for a futon. And she picked up some framed artworks for $1 at a yard sale.

LeBlanc scoured stores for decor deals and snagged several. A crescent-shaped table with repairable scratches was $90 at Ballard Designs. A low, glass-fronted buffet in the red dining room came from Crate and Barrel. A green suede sofa was a steal from World Market. Inexpensive cube shelving from IKEA created a storage unit for her son's toys.LeBlanc warmed the house with personal items. Framed photos of New Orleans, her hometown, line the halls. A portrait of her grandmother, painted by her grandfather on their wedding day, graces her home office."I wanted a fresh slate," said LeBlanc. "And I liked being able to create my own space without having to ask anyone's permission."

Kids come first in Avondale Estates

Attorney Sheryl McCalla gave her real estate agent a short list of requirements when she went house shopping five years ago. She wanted to be close to her job in Midtown and near the intown school that her two children attend. Though the three-bedroom house in Avondale Estates wasn't an exact fit, McCalla knew it was a terrific place to start over after a divorce."I was looking for a family friendly house in a nice neighborhood," said McCalla. "Here, we can walk to the pool and playground and I have the support of other parents in the neighborhood."The 1950s house had already undergone an extensive renovation, including the addition of a second floor and an open kitchen and family room. "That was key, because I wasn't in a position to do that kind of work," said McCalla.In the large foyer, the base of the staircase leads to the second floor and into the family room as well. A former living room, with a fireplace, is now the red dining room. McCalla turned the old glass-enclosed porch into the art room, where her kids are free to paint on the walls, floors or windows as their creativity moves them.The expanded kitchen has cherry cabinets and an island where the kids can do their homework while McCalla cooks. A corner eating area has a banquette for cozy seating. An adjacent small room holds all of the kids' toys and several musical instruments, while a former first-floor bedroom is now the TV room.McCalla decorated her son's room with a space theme and had an artist paint her daughter's favorite flowers and garden scenes around her bed.The move meant buying all new furniture. "The only things I had were a king-sized bed, two night stands, a dresser and an exercise bike," said McCalla. But she took her time tracking down the large wood dining table, with chairs and bench seating; a beige sofa and two chocolate chairs around the family room fireplace; and a round dining table in the breakfast nook.The kids' artwork on various walls and framed playbills from New York shows that McCalla's parents collected are constant reminders of family connections."Simplicity was my goal," said McCalla. "But it was also important to make the house comfortable. And it had to feel like home."

At home at Dad's

Attorney Doug Kertscher started his search for a post-divorce house for his two young children by drawing a 10-mile circle around their primary residence. The perfect place turned up in the form of a 6-year-old house in Morningside."The house had been well-maintained, which was important because I work a lot of long hours, and I didn't want to have my children with me while I was fixing the roof," said Kertscher.The three-story house came with enough open spaces for his children to run around and several areas that double as adult and kid areas. In the library, book shelves are lined with Dad's collection on the top rows; all of the kids' favorites are within their short reach below. A large rectangular ottoman opens to reveal a toy chest.Kertscher was also insistent that the bedrooms be on the same level so the children would be close by. "And I wanted their rooms to have neat things," he said. In his boy's room, there's an outdoor theme with stars on the ceiling, star lights and camping knick-knacks. His daughter's room, painted in pinks and greens, has stick-on fairies and her name on the walls. The third level of the house has one big room outfitted with a desk and computer, including two kid-sized chairs that double as recliners. Another corner holds a drawing area and chalk boards where the kids can get creative.A sun room houses the entertainment center in front of an over-sized chaise lounge big enough Kertscher and his tykes. "This is where we do our night-time reading," he said.Kertscher furnished the house with new pieces, including the large-screen plasma on the wall of the living area, and what he describes as "strong, male colors.""They're blues and grays, with some greens and reds, that are strong but still warm," he said.Most of his attention was devoted to creating a home that was functional for him while also being a comfort zone for his kids."It was very important to have a place where they'd want to come," he said. "They love coming to Daddy's house; sometimes they'd rather come here than go to the park. And I've been really happy about that."

Tips for making a house a home fast:
• Instead of ordering furniture, ask about buying a floor sample that you can take home immediately. Not only can you get it right away, you may get a discount.
• Shop for ready-made items, such as curtains, drapes and bedding that can punch up a room in minutes.• The biggest bang for your makeover buck is color. Select a color scheme that will flow throughout the house and make you feel good every time you enter.
• Make it personal by displaying your favorite items that have good memories.

Signs in Decatur point to marriage in trouble

Signs in Decatur point to marriage in trouble
By MICHELLE HISKEY
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 04/19/08

The signs of Rob and Karen Byers' marriage have been bleak the past three months.He's been living apart from her and their 1-year-old son.Last week, morning commuters near Emory University passed dozens of these signs posted by Rob Byers. "I made a big mistake," he says of what led to their separate homes in Decatur. They've been married for 11 years, college friends for a decade before. They were the quiet pair who always hung back at parties.

He's 38 and still in his head too much.She's 39, angry and confused by him, long wanting more emotion from him.In an effort to come home, he dreamed up something really big.
"I'm going to surprise you tomorrow," he told her by phone one night early last week. "And you're really going to like it."

The first yellow signs were stuck under her car wiper blades."Rob Loves Karen.""Karen I'm Sorry."Perplexed, she drove off — along the same route she takes every morning to her favorite bagel shop.

The same six words shouted from telephone poles along busy Clairmont and North Druid Hills roads. Along this popular commuting route to Emory University, the posters burst in the color of war ribbons.

He was wrong: She didn't really like it.At all.Have a loved one's best intentions ever ended up making you even madder? Then you know how she felt.
"Totally freaked," she said. "I felt like it was advertising to the world we had problems. I felt embarrassed that that was thrown out into the world. These are things I have only told a handful of close friends."

She tore down the first few, but "there were so, so many and the baby was in the car, I knew I was getting nowhere."She thought back on their pattern: his bad timing, her disappointment.
"It was like when he proposed," she says. "I was weak and in bed with a cold, and he got me out of bed and I was in my bathrobe when asked me. And I was furious that this is what I would remember forever."
He was at work when she called to vent about the posters: "If that was a surprise, it was really lame!"Her view changed after she talked to friends, who urged her to see his gestures as sweet and romantic, if misguided.

He did express how he felt, just not the way she ever imagined.Making something private so public opened up her eyes to a hidden truth."People have been so supportive and opened up," she says. "Everyone has problems even though they act like everything is fine."
Even though they don't know exactly where their marriage is headed or how they will get there, after all this, they realize that neither wants to give up.And both agree that's a good sign.

Forget silver anniversaries: Many couples grapple with 'gray divorce'

Forget silver anniversaries: Many couples grapple with 'gray divorce'
By ELLEN LYON
Associated Press

Published on: 03/24/08

It's been nearly a year since Sherman Smith's 33-year marriage ended in a divorce that, he said, his ex-wife wanted after she realized she didn't love him in the same way anymore."A divorce is kind of like a death, but she's still there and I can't have her," said Smith, 55, of Elliottsburg, Pa. "I was really looking forward to retiring some day and spending more time with her."Smith has spent 18 months in a divorce support group. "I'm not 100 percent, but I'm pretty doggone good," he said.Annie, 69, of Enola, Pa., who didn't want her last name used, has been divorced since September after her husband of 47 years left her for an old high school flame.Annie said she had considered their marriage a happy one. Divorce simply wasn't in the realm of possibilities for them.

"It hit me in the face like a two-ton truck," she said. "I hadn't a clue. It was the most absolutely horrible thing that ever happened to me. I'm still not over it. I'll never be over it."Although the divorce rate is highest among men ages 30 to 34 and women ages 25 to 29, attorneys, marriage counselors and researchers say that increasingly, people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are grappling with what has come to be known as "gray divorce."

Higher incomes, advanced education and longer lives contribute to the trend, said Gordon Nelson, an associate professor of human development and family studies at Penn State."People might be becoming increasingly more independent," he said.Mature people in long-term marriages often have multiple and complex reasons for calling it quits.

The '60s generation, more focused on happiness and personal fulfillment and less inhibited about divorce, is moving into its 60s, New Cumberland, Pa., psychologist and marriage and family therapist Sally Tice noted.And as people live longer "there's more years to think of putting up" with unhappy marriages, she said.Raising children can take a toll, too.

"It's very typical for couples to grow apart during the adolescent years of their children," Tice said. And if they haven't renewed their relationship, it can fall by the wayside.Carlisle, Pa., divorce and family law attorney Carol Lindsay identified one age-old reason for gray divorce: the midlife crisis. This temporary emotional upheaval is seldom referred to as such by anyone in the midst of one, and it's typically a male phenomenon, she said."There's this vague longing. Mortality is calling," Lindsay said. "People throw over things they have. ... There's this sense that I missed something."

But it's not always true that older men find it easier to remarry, said Camp Hill attorney Corky Goldstein — whose oldest divorce client was 81 and "very, very unhappy" in a 44-year marriage."If you don't really have any money, a man in his 70s is not going to attract a younger woman," he said.Yet, while divorce at midlife used to be more of a "male deal," increasingly women are initiating it, Lindsay said.A 2004 AARP study of persons who had divorced between the ages of 40 and 70 confirmed Lindsay's observations: 66 percent of the women surveyed said they had asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of the men.

Lindsay believes a different kind of midlife event is often at work with women who, for years, cared for their husband and children."The hormone for taking care of people goes away and they're sick of it," she said. "They're just not in the nurturing mode any more."Sometimes it has to do with women getting jobs and having the money to leave, coupled with a softening of the taboo against divorce, Lindsay said.Gray divorces generally don't have the grueling, heart-rending custody issues common in younger couple's divorces, but they can be wrought with the complications of property ownership and division of assets.

In Smith's case, his ex-wife had her own pension plan, he said.Annie, a retired teacher, also has her own pension and Social Security, but she resents how the divorce has changed her financial situation."When my husband and I were together we had enough money to do whatever we wanted and now I'm strapped," she said.Some older couples show their maturity in the way they handle their divorce. "Sometimes there are graceful older people and you are so grateful for them as clients," Lindsay said. "I always think a long marriage deserves to be honored with a

respectful divorce."

TIPS FOR SURVIVING DIVORCE IN LATER LIFE
• Join a support group.

• Develop same-sex friendships.• Volunteer.

• Don't isolate yourself.

• Seek out the medical, mental health and spiritual resources.

• Give yourself time to grieve and heal.•

Consult an attorney and a financial adviser before signing any documents regarding marital assets. Choose an attorney who will advise you of your rights and represent your interests but who won't escalate matters beyond your comfort level. You both are going to want to attend the grandchildren's birthday parties.

Sources: DivorceCare support group leaders Beth and Wayne Janis, Mechanicsburg, Pa.; attorney Jeanne Costopoulos, Camp Hill, Pa., attorney Corky Goldstein.

Alternative Approach to the Family Feud

Alternative Approach to the Family Feud (provided by John H. Brandt, Esq.)

"Don't find fault, find a remedy." Henry FordFor many people, divorce is just a legal procedure that dissolves a marital relationship. That superficial attitude fails to understand that a divorce has a lasting impact on both parties. If the divorcing couple have children, the impact is frequently transferred to subsequent generations. Numerous studies have shown that a high conflict divorce involving children not only leaves its mark on the children, but also the grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. This long term damage to families inevitably has a negative effect on society.

To compound the problem, a high conflict divorce is usually very expensive, and the amount of stress it creates is impossible to measure.Since attorneys are an integral part of the dissolution process, we play an extremely important role in how the parties and their families come through this difficult process. We have the ability to affect a number of lives based on the type of assistance we provide our clients. Representing someone in a family law matter is a serious responsibility.Most family law practitioners understand this enormous responsibility, and they try to neutralize conflict by focusing on solving their client's problems instead of creating them. A growing number of lawyers are adopting innovative methods of helping clients through this difficult process.

For example, the success and popularity of mediation in the family law arena is well recognized, as an established alternative to the family feud. Other methods are evolving in our profession that directly focus on helping parties survive their divorce without destroying each other along the way. Two of the more prominent alternatives are Cooperative Divorce and Collaborative Divorce. To most people, these concepts sound contradictory, and they represent the classic oxymoron. But they are not. If you are not yet familiar with these terms, you need to become aware of these options. They are carving a noticeable niche in family law communities in many parts of the country.

Currently, at least 35 states and all of Canada have Collaborative Law Associations, and Cooperative Law is gaining more and more followers everyday.The Cooperative Divorce and Collaborative Divorce methods have many similarities. Both approaches require a detailed contract signed by the parties and their attorneys that unequivocally states everyone's commitment to proceeding in the respective method. When appropriate, both methods encourage the use of specially trained mental health and/or financial professionals. Both procedures have the stated goal of completing the divorce by agreement without litigation. They also allow the parties to terminate the signed contract and proceed with litigation if they reach an impasse. The fundamental difference between the two approaches is that in a Collaborative Divorce, if the parties cannot resolve all of the issues, both attorneys must withdraw.

For example, if a divorcing couple agree on all issues except parenting time, and they must litigate that issue, both attorneys must withdraw. The parties then hire new attorneys and proceed to trial. In a Cooperative Divorce, the attorneys may remain in the case and litigate the issues that cannot be resolved.A group of attorneys, judicial officers, and mental health professionals in Hamilton County, IN have developed a Cooperative Divorce model that is being implemented in their county. They should be applauded for their ground breaking efforts to provide such an alternative. It also proves that Indiana attorneys recognize the devastation left in the aftermath of a high conflict divorce and the importance of finding alternatives.

Hopefully, family law practitioners in other Indiana counties are willing to employ such innovative methods in family law matters.Last March, the Family Law Section of the Allen County Bar Association conducted a full day seminar on Cooperative Divorce. The high profile faculty for this presentation included Judge Hugh Starnes; Sheldon Finman, a family law attorney; and Dr. Deborah Coe Silver, a practicing psychologist. These individuals are from Fort Myers, Florida, and they have made presentations throughout the country training family law attorneys and family therapists on the Cooperative Divorce method. They provided first hand experience on the numerous benefits of the Cooperative Divorce model.Fort Wayne attorneys Jim More, Brian Stier, and I completed a two-day training seminar in Chicago on Collaborative Family Law last January. The program was organized by the Collaborative Law Institute of Illinois, and the faculty from Atlanta, Georgia included a family law attorney, a certified financial planner, and a psychologist.

The Collaborative Divorce model was introduced to Atlanta six years ago, and it has become a widely recognized and accepted form of practice. There are Atlanta family law attorneys who only do Collaborative Divorces confirming that the public is now aware there are alternatives to a conventional divorce. That same training program is being offered this January.The 35 plus attendees at the Collaborative seminar were an eclectic collection of Chicago area family law attorneys, counselors, and certified financial planners. After a number of demonstrations and role playing vignettes, it was apparent the participants shared the goal of making the divorce process less combative and damaging to the participants and the generations that follow.The Collaborative and Cooperative Divorce process can only start with a paradigm shift in how attorneys analyze, negotiate, and resolve the numerous issues that arise in a typical family law dispute. It compels everyone in the process to focus on problem solving. It does not require the attorney to disregard his ethical duty to advocate for their client. However, there must be a shared commitment by the parties and their attorneys at the very outset that they will work together as a team to resolve all issues concerning the children and divide the property in a way that is fair and practical. That commitment is expressly stated in the signed Agreement.

These alternative models adopt a team approach to problem solving. For example, if one or both of the spouses are struggling with emotional issues, a divorce coach can become part of the team to work with a troubled spouse to make them become a productive participant in the process. Or, if the parties disagree over parenting time, a trained child specialist can be recruited to develop a child focused parenting plan and explain why that plan is best for that child. A child specialist will be able to recognize and address the emotional needs of each child.Similarly, if a divorce involves economic issues such as a business valuation, alimony, or complex tax issues, the team can engage a mutually selected and specially trained certified public accountant or business appraiser to advise them on those issues. This financial expert is not a hired gun. Instead, he or she assumes the role of a neutral expert.There is also a strong need for transparency during these alternative processes.

Instead of agonizing over one hundred Interrogatory questions and requests for documents with multiple subparts, the parties dutifully complete a detailed financial statement which is signed under oath. Instead of formally asking for financial documents and then arguing over whether or not you will receive them, a party or the lawyer simply asks for those documents and, under the signed Agreement, the other party complies. At the end of the day, you have a documented and verified financial report from both parties that provides a reliable basis for negotiating child support, property distribution, and other issues.One of the criticisms of Collaborative Divorce and, to a lesser extent, Cooperative Divorce, is the mistaken belief that attorneys must surrender their role as an advocate for their client contrary to their ethical responsibilities.

From my discussions with Collaborative and Cooperative Law practitioners, the attorney's obligation to advocate for their client is alive and well in both of these alternatives. There is ample of opportunity for advocacy during the lawyer conferences and four-party conferences that occur in a typical Collaborative or Cooperative Divorce. However, because the goal is mutual resolution, the style of advocating is different then a conventional divorce. Overt posturing and table pounding have no place in these models.The Collaborative Divorce approach cannot be used in every case. Some couples are too dysfunctional or angry and only the adversarial approach will work. However, since the Collaborative and Cooperative models encourage a multi-disciplinary approach, many high conflict divorces can utilize one of these methods and avoid the inherent family fall-out, as well as the cost and stress of litigation.Another positive phenomenon of the Collaborative and Cooperative models is that collection rates for attorneys fees is greater than cases resolved in more conventional methods. When the parties conclude the process with a greater sense of satisfaction, they are more inclined to pay their attorney. All family law practitioners should learn more about alternative approaches to resolving family law disputes. If you accept the serious responsibility inherent in family law, you must think outside the box. Not only will you and your clients benefit from utilizing other models of resolutions, but the children of divorce and subsequently society will be the ultimate winners.

Information provided by: John H. Brandt, Esq.

Differences Between Collaborative Divorce and Divorce Mediation

Differences Between Collaborative Divorce and Divorce Mediation

Couples that seek to dissolve their marriages without the challenges of litigation often turn to alternative dispute resolution. Non-litigation settlement strategies are particularly effective for couples committed to maintaining respectful relationships with their spouses after the divorce, and may also minimize negative consequences facing the children. The following issues, among others, are typically amenable to such settlement strategies:

Property divisions
Spousal support
Interim living arrangements
Child support
Custody and visitation

Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce, Generally
Two kinds of alternative dispute resolution models, often used by divorcing couples, include collaborative divorce and divorce mediation. In divorce mediation, the parties hire an independent neutral third party who brings the spouses together (with their attorneys if any were hired) to assist them to reach a satisfactory divorce settlement. In collaborative divorce, a relatively new form of dispute resolution, each spouse hires their own attorney, and the two attorneys and their clients negotiate directly with each other without resorting to litigation.

Although divorce mediation has become a popular alternative to litigation, collaborative divorce, available in most states, is also beginning to establish itself as a successful form of divorce dispute resolution. Further, just as the practice of mediation is common in numerous other areas of law, collaborative law is starting to be used for numerous non-family law disputes, such as employment and business disputes.

Same Goals, Different Approaches
The underlying goal of both divorce mediation and collaborative divorce is to allow couples to reach mutually satisfactory divorce settlements in lieu of facing the unpredictable results of judge-imposed decisions. While both resolution models have proved to be generally effective, numerous differences may affect a couple's decision when deciding which would be most appropriate.

Fees and Experts
Although few comparison studies have been conducted with respect to the costs of collaborative divorce, the general consensus is that litigation, on average, is more expensive. One study indicates that collaborative divorce fees generally reach about 1/3 the cost of the typical litigated divorce. Expenses will increase when there is a need to hire outside professionals. For instance, if the attorneys reach an impasse or lack the expertise to address a particular issue such as the value of one of the spouse's businesses, a financial expert may be retained for assistance. In collaborative divorce, the parties generally split all costs and fees.

Similar to collaborative divorce, in mediation the parties generally split the mediator fees. However, unlike collaborative divorce, the parties are not required to hire attorneys (although the option generally remains open). Mediator fees can range widely, being as low as $100 to $200 per hour and sometimes exceeding $400 per hour, often depending upon the type of law involved or the complexity of the issues. Many mediators have separate fee scales for couples who choose to schedule the whole day.

Motivation to Settle Inherent in Collaborative Divorce
One feature unique to collaborative divorce, is the built-in motivation to settle. Specifically, if the parties are unable to reach a settlement, and the dispute proceeds to litigation, the attorneys must withdraw from representation. When this occurs, the parties are required to hire new counsel and pay the additional fees.

Additionally, participants to collaborative divorce generally sign agreements that include provisions against bad faith negotiations. Although similar agreements are sometimes signed prior to mediation sessions, in collaborative divorce, such agreements have a slightly different impact on the negotiation. This is due, in part, to the fact that attorneys participating in collaborative divorce have abandoned, to an extent, much of their adversarial duties in exchange for a more resolution-driven focus. In contrast, in mediation, the attorneys do not rely as heavily on the conciliatory nature of the negotiation and may choose to withhold potentially materially relevant information.

Power Imbalances
Disputants frequently rely on mediators to offset power imbalances between parties. Such issues may be present in instances where one party has difficulties communicating with the other for various reasons, such as when a wife is divorcing an abusive husband. Given the nature of such a relationship, it may be difficult for the wife to effectively verbalize some of her concerns or desires. Where an attorney is present at a mediation to represent the wife in this type of situation, such imbalances will be minimized. Nevertheless, mediators often ask the parties, at some point, to speak directly with each other, often as a means of venting or "to get it all out." Even without attorneys present, mediators who employ proper techniques will still be able to neutralize such imbalances. In collaborative divorce, however, this concern is arguably less pronounced since the attorneys are communicating directly with each other and act as buffers between difficult personalities.

Balances of power may also be affected by attorney representation or the lack thereof. Mediators are generally not permitted to provide legal advice, but may provide legal information. Thus, unrepresented parties may be at a disadvantage in a mediation. However, this is never an issue in collaborative divorce.

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Video - Children and Divorce

Video - Divorce is ugly business.